Duck Duck Cougar?
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
