I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
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