She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
So, does it mean i'm loose if he can't even tell when he fell out?
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
