Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
There's always time for handjobs
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
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