gavin joseph was born around 1 oclock 9lbs 12oz... over 21 inches long
Thats what she said
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
Randomize
