There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Randomize
