she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
If you're still on campus there's a jack and coke in the bathroom of fondren science Bldg. Too strong to bring to class.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Randomize
