and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
