i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
