the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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