Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
