the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
Randomize
