fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Randomize
