I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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