i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
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