Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
