So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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