I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
Alive.
So much puke
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
My breasts were aching with rage.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
