im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
