i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Randomize
