I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
