In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
