new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
