just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
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