I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
