so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
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