omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
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