Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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