i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Randomize
