I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
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