1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Randomize
