oh god the rape fog is back!
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
