My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
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