I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
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