My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
Randomize
