I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Randomize
