Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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