Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
Randomize