After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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