How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Randomize
