Only a mothe r could love this liver
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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