you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
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