My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
