you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
Randomize
