right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Randomize
