I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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