I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
You have to summon your inner elephant
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
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