OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
