I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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