thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
Sober January is a disaster.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Randomize