i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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