My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
