chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
