You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Randomize
