just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
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