Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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