you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Randomize
