All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
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