The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
