i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
It's official drugs can't kill me
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I touched a dick in church today
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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