I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
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