Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize
