I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Randomize