this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Randomize
