My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Randomize