I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
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