My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
